i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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