I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
