I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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