I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
