She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
