If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
