Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
