This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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