Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
