Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
