Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
