You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
soo... how was my night?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
