my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
