omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
