youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
