its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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