Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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