Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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