just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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