You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
