I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
