The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
