i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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