Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
