but the lizard people decide everything anyway
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
