your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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