I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
