Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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