I cannot find my penis.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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