The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
