If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
