it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
