So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
