go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
