he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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