everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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