Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
