dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
