Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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