Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
