Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So vagazzling was a success
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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