I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
