Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
