I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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