brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
