speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
