that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
