I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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