Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
