Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
